


Ways to cope

by Yamiga



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Established Relationship, Friendship, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 12:48:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3382094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yamiga/pseuds/Yamiga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how much Seidou tries to hide his hurt and anger towards the CCG from his superiors, there are times when he can't keep his emotions from spilling out of control. It's not easy feeling lost, nor is it easy being the “normal” one, among great legacies like Amon, Houji, Suzuya and even Akira. Luckily, a midst all his turmoil, there is someone holding his hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ways to cope

_I'm never getting promoted....I'll always be Rank 2 Seidou Takizawa....I'll always be looked down upon by Houji, Shinohara...I'll always be by passed by Suzuya and Akira._

 

Seidou allowed these thoughts and realizations to play with his mind as he entered his house that evening. With his shoulders sagged and his heart heavier than it ever had been, he mechanically reached for his key and stuck it through the key hole.

 

Stepping inside the house, he did so in a melancholy way, making sure to shut the door behind him. The first thing he did was kick his shoes off, after that, he trudged to the living room. The couch was looking a lot more comfortable than his bed at that moment, so he didn't hesitate to crash. His tie was still constricting his neck and his suit jacket was still on.

 

He didn't feel like taking either one off, despite the fact that it was burning up in the house.

 

_You'll always be second best to her, to everyone. You're a failure, you can't do anything...why do you think you're left out of everything?_

 

Seidou tried to shut these feelings out but they only grew stronger.

 

_Your dad left because you were a failure, your sister thinks you're annoying, your mother thinks you're weak. Seidou Takizawa, you are nothing, you're only a bother...you have no place...._

 

He felt tears stinging his eyes but was to proud to admit that to himself. Even despite his seclusion and privacy, he still felt weak for crying. He couldn't even let himself go in the comfort of his own home...how pitiful....

 

As he closed his eyes and attempted to drift, his nose twitched to the distant smell of coffee. Well, not so much distant, as it warmed his nostrils. Confused, and still slightly teary eyed, he sat up and gazed towards the kitchen where the smell was coming from.

 

The first thing that caught his eye was the kitchen light, as he peered from the living room. When he'd entered the house, he was certain it was off, now it was on. The second thing that not only caught his eye but startled him, was a tall figure making himself some coffee.

 

_That's where the smell is coming from..._ It didn't take him long to identify his intruder. Instead of getting up, Seidou crashed back down, resting his heavy head on the pillow.

 

“You should go home.” He called, regretting that he gave him a key.“I told you not to come.”

 

Some silent seconds passed between Seidou and his intruder before large foot steps could be heard coming into the living room. The big light over head was eventually turned on causing Seidou to shield his eyes.

 

“What a nice way to greet me.” The soft voice of an older man cooed. “I thought, after all these weeks of being a part, you would have missed me.”

 

Seidou cracked one red eye open. “Tatara...” Months ago, if Tatara showed up in his house unexpected like this, Seidou would've tried to fight him, tried to escape, or called for backup. It wasn't normal for an Aogiri ghoul to pop into someone's house, let alone, an investigators house. However, months had proven to bear some type of fruit. If it wasn't the fruit of betrayal, guilt, and or confusion, then it was definitely the fruit of love, and comfort.

 

“Now just isn't a good time.” Seidou admitted as Tatara sat on the sofa next to him.

 

“You've been crying...” A hand made way to his forehead, moving some of his shaggy brown bangs. “Did someone do something to you?”

 

_Shit....why did he have to see my like this?_ “Something got in my eye.” Seidou lied, gazing at Tatara. With no cloak, or iron mask, Tatara looked very approachable. The brunette also found his eyes attached to Tatara's muscles, which were a lot more visible now that he had no clocak concealing his arms. A simple tank top made everything as pleasurable as it needed to be.

 

“You're a terrible liar.”

 

“I'm not feeling well, at all.” He admitted. “And that's not your fault.” _You always make me feel better._ “But there's nothing you can do about it...so you should leave. I don't want you getting caught.”

 

“It's not like any of your 'friends' visit you.” Tatara drank some of his coffee, and moved some more hair out of Seidou's face. “I'm going to assume that they're the ones causing you so much distress, hm?”

 

“It's a lot of things....but I guess they're part of it.” Seidou sighed and uncomfortably sat up. “I mean, you got me. You're right...”

 

Tatara just nodded. “Well, what's getting to you the most about them?”

 

“I feel disregarded.” He admitted quicker than he should've. Feeling rather childish he stopped. Tatara nudged him. 

 

“That can't be it. Keep on.”

 

“I...I...well, I don't know.” Seidou chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. This was odd in a sense because no one had ever really asked him how he felt. It was like venting, and he'd never vented to _anyone_ about _anything_. He liked to think that the first person he'd ever vent to would be someone like Houji, or even Amon,  but with the investigators so caught up on their missions and the 'on point', intuition of Mado's legacy, Seidou was forced to conceal his emotions. 

 

“I'm not going to judge you Seidou.” Tatara spoke rather softly. “I just want you to tell me how you feel.”

 

Seidou, who was burning up inside for some reason, took a deep breath. “I...you know, it's pretty hard being in the CCG I guess... I love it, but I mean, what's the point if I'm not really in it? I feel so out of place you know. Here I am, Seidou Takizawa. My father ran off on our mother and started another family when I was seven...I had to struggle to find myself, at the same time, I was taking care of my sister and my mom. Things just went to crap during that time....when I went to the CCG academy, I thought I found my place. I put in my all and all, to be the best...to make my mom proud to show her that just because we didn't have dad, didn't mean we had to be sad. I wanted her to be happy with me. I wanted my sister to see that even if we grew up with nothing, we could still be the best, if we tried...I wanted to be her role model...I was so close too...so close...” Seidou smiled and placed his head in his hands. There were a few moments of silence as Tatara softly rubbed the brunette's back. 

 

“Keep on.” He coaxed.

 

“Okay.” Seidou, taking a few deep breaths, sat up. “I mean, coming to the CCG, I knew I was giving it my all, but getting second rank just shattered me. People think it's funny....even Shinohara and Houji joke about it...they never fail to mention that Mado got first rank....but,” Seidou paused, as his words hovered in midair. Maybe his eyes were getting misty, and maybe tears were streaming down his cheeks. But instead of retreating, like he told himself he would, he pressed on. “It was something about Akira giving that speech at graduation, and her father being proud of her that just...broke me....My mom was there too you know, and she...she...she _wasn't_ mad, she was proud but...that, all that work and effort for her just shattered and she was proud because of it. Even my sister was there, smiling.” He chuckled. 

 

“I guess working for the CCG now, isn't what I thought it would be. If it isn't a constant reminder that Akira is always going to be ahead of me in every way, shape or form, I have to be thrown into the shadows of legacies, and prodigies. Suzuya and Akira, Amon, Shinohara and Houji. They're all like...the untouchables you know, the ones that...that are amazing, the ones that everyone aspires to be like. Even though I'm always with them, I'm never, _with_ them...I'm just in their shadow. Watching them achieve things.” Seidou smiled rather crookedly. “I try to be brave, I try to have confidence, but I mean...look at me...I'm _me._ Seidou Takizawa, the boy who had to get used to a drunk father...the one who was always second place, who is being constantly reminded that I'm not good enough...that I'll never surpass anyone, that I'll never surpass her...”

 

There was that unmistakable silence that swept through the living room as he attempted not to choke on his words harder than he already was. All the while, Tatara remained silent with his arms crossed. His silence was what prompted Seidou to continue.

 

“I don't know...I'm this old and have no clue who I am. Everyone else seems...to be in the in crowd. And here I am...just Seidou Takizawa...not Houji, Shinohara, Suzuya....Mado, Amon...Arima...I'm just, Seidou. I try to do everything right, everything by the book....but I'm useless...” He laughed, feeling a poison grow in his gut. It was something he'd concealed for a long time now, and at this delicate moment, that poison was oozing out of his system. “Suzuya is praised for breaking the rules, I'm scolded for trying to follow the rules...but who cares? He can kill ghouls with one swipe, he's the CCG'S 'Jason'....” Another pause and Seidou choked on a sob. “I'm so useless...I try my best....but I'm useless...”

 

“You're right about a few things.” Tatara finally spoke, gaining Seidou's attention. “Good, you're actually looking at me now.”

 

Seidou, visibly teary eyed, simply nodded.

 

“You're not Akira, Amon, Suzuya, Shinohara...or Houji. You don't have parents that are deemed legends of the CCG, nor are you their over powered or over credited legacy.” Tatara made sure that Seidou was actually looking at him, into his red eyes. He could tell that Seidou had some trust issues, and after hearing this snippet of how he really felt, it wasn't a surprise. After a few seconds of just pure eye contact, he placed a hand on Seidou's shoulder. “You're not some amazing investigator that has sharp intuition nor are you someone who kills senselessly ghouls....or someone who hates ghouls for the same reason most everyone else does...You're never going to be them, you're never going to be like them.”

 

“Yeah I know...” Seidou scooted away, but Tatara still held on to his shoulder.

 

“That isn't a bad thing, Seidou. It's a good thing.” He managed a smile. “The CCG takes a lot. I understand that a human has a standard definition for ghouls, you see us as monsters. I suppose that's reasonable..but at the same time, the CCG takes from us...they take what they don't care to understand...” Tatara released Seidou's shoulder and sighed. “You may have heard me mention Fei, and Yan.” Tatara even motioned towards the door where Seidou's quinque lay. “Your current weapon?”

 

“Yes...were they...were they important to you?”

 

“They were my brothers.” Tatara closed his eyes. “They were murdered by Houji....I guess like you Seidou, I've had my fair share of feeling weak, because when I saw my brother's taken from me that night...I felt more useless than ever.” He opened his eyes and gazed back towards Seidou. “Our tragedies shape us, don't they? Being useless never suited me, and letting my agony take over me was laughable, so that pain molded me into what I am today.”

 

_ An executive of Aogiri.  _ By now, Seidou currently lay on the sofa with his head once again on one of the pillows. Tatara just looked ahead. “I'm hateful, scornful, I'm a murderer...and I absolutely love it. But you...” He scooted over towards Seidou and playful ran his fingers through his brown hair. “you're not one to let your agony mold you into something you're not. I know you aren't. You may not be the....'in crowd'...is what you call them? No, thankfully, you're you. And I've grown attracted to you...because of that. You may not even realize how much you mean to your mother and your sister....because I know how hard it is, taking care of a family alone. I can just imagine how helpful you were to them. It's ashame you had to take your fathers place.” 

 

Tatara ruffled Seidou's hair. “But your mother is proud of you Seidou, because you pulled through. You could've fallen, but you pulled through. Strive to be what you want to be, not what the CCG wants you to be...and in years to come, you'll be even more amazing than you already are now.” Tatara leaned down and pressed his weight upon Seidou, pulling him into a hug. “You don't know how much you impact those you touch, you don't know how much you've impacted me.... and damn your peers and superiors for not appreciating you.

 

“T...thanks.” Seidou whispered, blushing slightly. “That means a lot.” He smiled, feeling his aching heart warm up once again. 

 

“I can always eat them_”

 

“Hey.” Seidou jokingly smacked Tatara's cheek, though it was harder than he wanted it to be. “I'm still an investigator.”

 

“Are you going to arrest me?”

 

“I'm going to fight you.” Seidou spoke, a lot happier than he was earlier. 

 

“You think you can take me?” Tatara shifted positions so that he was directly on top of Seidou. He made sure to regulate his weight so he wouldn't crush him.

 

“I can take you and win.” Seidou gazed into his ghoul's red eyes

 

A kiss was on the edge of their lips, a passionate, thirsty kiss. But Tatara's lips only brushed Seidou's cheek right before he sat up.

 

“Wha...”

 

“We both know where a kiss leads. I have a feeling you have work tomorrow...and I have things to do. You don't need to be cranky and I don't need to be horny.” Tatara joked receiving a pillow to the face.

 

“You already make me cranky!” Seidou crawled over to Tatara and sat in his lap. “You're a tease do you know that? Here I am pouring out my life story and you can't even kiss me.”

 

“I did kiss you.” Tatara held him. “I'm sorry but not every kiss is equivalent to getting part of your face licked or eaten...though I'm sure you taste good.”

 

“You know I taste good.” Seidou whispered, leaning his ear against Tatara's chest. 

 

Tatara agreed as he grabbed the remote from the nightstand. He turned on the television and browsed through the channels. Eventually, he stopped , as one of Seidou's favorite movies came on. The brunette heard some of his favorite lines being muttered, but didn't look at the television right away. His eyes were fixated towards the door where he gazed at his quinque. 

 

_They were my brothers._ Those words still stabbed his soul causing him to question Tatara's mercy. Before this, things between them were dangerously rocky. Tatara had been stalking Seidou for God knows how long all for the sake of tormenting and killing him. It was amazing how things changed...how the murderer could so easily fall for his victim. Or more like a lion falling for his prey. There were many times Tatara could've killed Seidou and he tried, nearly succeeding every time. But something always stopped him, and whatever it was, Seidou was glad for it.

 

“You remind me of Fei, you know...always doubting yourself.” Tatara broke the silence. “I never got to talk to him about it. So I'm glad I got to talk to you.”

 

“Yeah...” _I'm sorry Tatara...._ Some things were better left unsaid, but there was guilt visible in Seidou's voice. He figured Tatara could tell.

 

“We should leave Japan one day.” Perhaps that was better left unsaid. “We could go to France...maybe I'll give you the type of kiss you want there....or England....I have family in England...”

 

“You and I are both too busy.” Seidou shifted his position so he was still sitting on Tatara, but he was able to look up. 

 

“I could make the time for you.” Tatara quickly replied.

 

Seidou, not sure what to say sighed. “I'd do the same. But you have to plan it out, and you're paying...and no eating people when we get there...”

 

“I can't make any promises.”

 

“Idiot.”

 

“Grouch...”

 

“Shut up! This is my favorite part!” Seidou grinned and turned his head to face the television. 

 

“You've seen this movie a thousand times already....” Tatara laughed. “When I was stalking you, this is all you ever watched.”

 

“For such a strange comment, go make me popcorn.” Seidou ordered.

 

“As you wish,” Tatara kindly took Seidou off of him and smiled. “My queen.” With a fake bow, he exited the living room and made way to the kitchen.  
Seidou was certainly feeling better.

 

**Author's Note:**

> They are my OTP.  
> Aside from that, I feel terrible for Seidou. I know some times his misfortunes can be funny, but he tries his best, and to have to stand in the shadows of people that are amazing can be tough, especially when he lacks the confidence that he'll ever be like them. Akira and Suzuya have Shinohara and Amon, in addition, they are very much praised for their achievments.  
> Houji and Seidou seem distant to me, at the same time, I remember one episode where Seidou was kind of cut off by Houji because he made a remark about everyone being so intrigued by Akira's intiution.   
> I feel like Seidou had no one, even Houji found more interest in Akira verses Seidou, and I'm pretty sure that hurt Seidou.  
> So in my headcanon, Tatara attempted to kill him to get revenge on Houji, but after months of spying fell in love with and grew attached to Seidou. So they went through turmoil, but here they are now.   
> Seidou has someone to vent to.   
> Please tell me what you think!


End file.
